Final Fantasy CCCLXXXVIII
by Black Mage Leah
Summary: A satire I wrote for English 9. Hope you find it amusing.


**_Final Fantasy CCCLXXXVIII_**

Disclaimer: I don't own much of this. I own the plot… sort of. There are a bunch of quotes in here that aren't mine either You'll probably recognize them.

A/n – This was an assignment I did for freshman year English class. I thought it was funny. Maybe you will too. It had a bunch of footnotes on it since I turned it in to my teacher who knows nothing of video games, but I took those off. If anyone wants the copy with them, just PM me.

* * *

_"Hmm… let's see… two… two hundred… yeah, that's good… Two hundred years ago… Something… Something really bad happened! Uh… That's right! Really bad! Now you have to go and…uh… do something about it!"_

"Where in the world am I?" said a boy/teen/young adult who was sitting on a beach. He was extremely tan, with sleek looking hair in whatever color was considered "hot" at the time, and incredibly overbright blueish-greenish-brownish-hazelish-grayish-redish-yellowish-purplish eyes. His name was Cirrus.

"Hey there, hottie!" said an incredibly thin and good-looking woman who was leaning over him for no apparent reason. "My name is Sirea!" She, being your general video game female protagonist, had a rather… _large_ chest. (Seriously, we're talking size 32DD here!) She was dressed in a very short skirt and a very… _free spirited_ shirt. This latter fact caused Cirrus to stare a tad bit, until something occurred to him.

"This is NOT right!" he exclaimed, "You aren't supposed to just walk up to me! I'm supposed to save you from random danger at the very beginning of the game! Don't you know anything?"

The woman gasped a gasping gasp. "You're right!" she said, and was promptly kidnapped by something big, hairy, and wearing random pieces of armor. As this went on, Cirrus calmly sipped a pina colada that he had pulled out of his Magical Bag of Infinite Holding. This was a very special bag indeed; it could hold absolutely everything you could possibly want to cram into it, as long as you didn't try to hold more than 99 of one specific item.

"Hmmm…" Cirrus mused, "I obviously can't go save my soon to be girlfriend without a party! Off to town!" He paused for a second. "Wait… did I say that 'soon to be girlfriend' part out loud?"

* * *

"Oh, no, here comes an adventurer," said a man living in the town where our overconfident hero was heading. "Maria!" he called to his wife, "Be sure to hide anything in the house that looks like a chest!" He turned to his children. "Now, don't forget," he told them, "Don't say a word unless the adventurer comes directly up to you and asks for information. And if he does, be sure to say something completely useless, and say the exact same thing every time he asks you!"

"Yes, daddy," they chorused in your general highly irritating video game child manner.

* * *

Just outside the small house in which this took place, Cirrus was standing around with no indication of being out of breath, despite the fact that he had run eight or nine miles in the past ten minutes.

"Wow!" he yelled, "I got here fast, and I didn't even have to use the sword that I haven't bought yet!" He grinned like a maniac. "That's just as well, because I don't think I can afford one!"

"Now, where to start?" Cirrus wondered, and, as he was obviously completely incapable of multitasking, he wasn't looking where he was going, and randomly walked into someone carrying a large stick.

"Watch where you're going, you imbecile!" the person hissed. After a few seconds (and quite a few slaps), it was obvious to Cirrus that this was a girl. She was very tall, consequently making Cirrus feel very short. She had black hair pulled back in a spiky sort of bun, reddish eyes, and skin that looked like she'd been sitting in an abandoned wine cellar for the past fifteen years. She was wearing excessive black eyeliner, paintroller black lipstick, and what was most likely white paint smeared on her face.

"Who the censored are you?" Cirrus yelled, the game's censorship overriding his language, so we'll never really be quite sure what he said.

The girl rolled her eyes. "I'm a black mage, you idiot," she said, pointing to a sign overhead that said, _Adventurers! Get Your Black Mages Here!_

Cirrus nodded, attempting to give off the impression that he had the slightest idea of what was going on. "So… um… what's you sign?… I mean name!"

"My name," she paused for dramatic effect, "Is Black Magia. And… um… I'm a Gemini."

"…" said Cirrus, "That's a very original name. And I don't think we're compatible."

Black Magia shrugged. "That's okay. You're supposed to end up with the other main character, anyways."

"Oh," Cirrus said, and then noticed that his Magical Bag of Infinite Holding was gone. "Oh, no! My Magical Bag of Infinite Holding is gone!"

"Nooo… ya think?" Black Magia drawled.

"Ha ha!" an incredibly high-pitched voice from behind them, "It's mine now!" The obviously female (or otherwise very, very disturbing male) voice giggled annoyingly.

Cirrus turned around and saw yet another girl who was giggling insanely over his Magical Bag of Infinite Holding. "Now what?" he asked of no one in particular.

"She's a thief," said no one in particular, "You can recruit her into your party!"

"I think we noticed the thief part," Black Magia commented.

"Of course we did!" Cirrus (who, of course, didn't) added.

"He's right, you know!" said the girl, "I am a thief! I am also a complete kleptomaniac! I love to steal so much that I don't know what to do!" With that, she promptly stole Black Magia's staff and Cirrus' sword, and all their materia.

"Hey!" Cirrus yelled, "Give that back!"

"Oh, fine," she said, and gave Cirrus back his sword. After receiving a death glare from Black Magia, she handed over the staff as well.

"So…" said Black Magia, "Do you have a name or something? I'm not calling you 'Thief,' if that's what you're going to say."

"Nah," said the thief, "My name isn't as stupid as yours. _My_ name is Fooffie! I like to make peoples items go foof!" With that, she "foofed" a random person's apple into her pocket.

"And by 'foof,'" Black Magia said dryly, "You of course mean 'steal.'"

"Yep!" said Fooffie, "And I've decided to come with you and steal your materia!"

"What?" said Cirrus.

"Go on an adventure!" Fooffie said perkily, "If we stick together, we can steal your materia!"

"What?"

"Defeat the bad guy!" Fooffie giggled, "And when you're asleep, I'll make sure to steal your materia!"

"What?"

"Steal your materia!" Fooffie yelled cheerfully. Cirrus and Black Magia glared menacingly at her. "Oops…"

* * *

"Well, now that that's all sorted out," Cirrus said as he headed up a mountain trail with his party members in tow, "I can continue my quest for truth, justice, and hot women!"

"One more word out of you," Black Magia warned, "And no one will ever find you body."

"Sorry…" Cirrus said meekly.

"So, where are we going?" Fooffie asked as she munched on the ramen noodles she had "foofed" out of Cirrus' back pocket.

"Up the mountain to the – hey! Is that my ramen you're eating?"

"Of course not!" Fooffie said innocently, "Wherever did you get such an idea?"

"Never mind…" Cirrus muttered, "We're going to the lair of the evil Lord Evilness de Bad!"

"Why are we going there?" Fooffie asked, "He sounds awfully evil!"

"We're going there," Cirrus said exasperatedly, "Because I have to rescue Sirea!"

"Why do you have to rescue Sirea in the first place?" Black Magia complained, "And couldn't we do it after dark? The sun isn't good for my gothic complexion."

Cirrus twitched. "We have to rescue Sirea because she's hot and I haven't gotten to make out with her! And we can't do it after dark because then Lord Evilness de Bad's fluffy pink vampire bunny minions will come and eat our brains!"

Black Magia rolled her eyes. "Vampires don't eat your brains. That's what zombies do." As if on cue, a zombie randomly appeared out of thin air.

"Ugh!" Fooffie said, "It's hideously disgusting!"

"Hey, that hurt," the zombie sniffled, "Just because I'm undead doesn't mean I don't have feelings!"

"You know what," Fooffie said, "You're right. I shouldn't judge people just on how they look. I should start looking inside!" A sickening crunch was heard. "Holy sh-YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO COME UP CLOSE AND BITE MY ARM OFF, WEREN'T YOU!"

The zombie shrugged as he spat out Foofie's arm. "I take what I can get."

"For the love of – " Black Magia groaned, "Just take a Potion." She threw a Potion at Fooffie. Fooffie drank the Potion, and her arm miraculously grew back.

"Okay, we're in battle now!" Cirrus yelled over the (lack of) battle noise. "Everyone, get ready to _walk in place_!"

"Whatever, you moron," Fooffie (who had recovered from her arm-losing trauma by this point) said.

"Oh, it looks like I'm up first!" Black Magia said, "I choose to cast Doublecast Ultima!"

"You've got to be crazy!" Cirrus yelled, "It's the very beginning of the game! There's no way you already know either of those! Just look at your Magic Menu!"

"I'm looking now," Black Magia yelled back, "And it says I can only cast Fire, Thunder, Water, and Blizzard! Those are all Level 1 spells! How lame is that?"

"Yeah!" Fooffie yelled, "That's because you're Level 1!"

"Oh, right."

"Wait!" Cirrus yelled again, "Let me consult my _Final Fantasy CCCLXXXVIII Official Strategy Guide_!"

"What does it say?" Fooffie asked.

"It says that we should use white magic on it! Does anyone know any white magic?" His party members shook their heads. "Okay, then it says we should use a Phoenix Down on it. Do we have any of those?"

"Nope," Fooffie said, "I was kinda counting on us _not_ dying, so I didn't 'buy' any of those."

"Well, this is just great!" Black Magia yelled, "Fine! I'm casting Fire!" In a flash, the zombie was burning like a piece of toast in an overpowered toaster. Within a second, it fell over, about as dead as a zombie could be.

"Hooray!" Fooffie yelled, "We win!"

"Woohoo. Hoorah. Yippee. Can we please keep moving?" Black Magia complained.

"Yeah," said Cirrus, "We need all the time we can get, because I forgot to buy a map and we'll probably end up getting horribly, horribly lost."

"WHAT?" Fooffie and Black Magia screeched.

"That's it!" Black Magia yelled, "I'm going to kill him!

"No, you can't kill him!" Fooffie yelped.

"Right!" Cirrus said, trying not to look terrified.

"We need him as a meatshield in case more zombies come!" Fooffie finished.

"That's not very nice!" Cirrus exclaimed.

"Never mind that," Fooffie said with an evil-like smile at Cirrus, "There's a sign right over here. It says 'The Evil Lair of the Evil Lord Evilness de Bad – 300 feet.'"

"Wow," said Black Magia, "That's convenient."

Three hundred feet later, our hero and his companions finally arrived at the Evil Lair of the Evil Lord Evilness de Bad. "How do we get inside?" Cirrus asked.

"Umm… Cirrus?" Fooffie said incredulously, "The door's already open."

"Oh… right! Of course it is!" Cirrus said blithely, and ran inside.

"I guess we should go in, too," Black Magia sighed, "If the interior is pink, I'm killing everyone. That includes you two." Fooffie backed away nervously, and ran inside, far away from Black Magia and her violent tendencies.

* * *

"Bwahahahaha!" the evil Lord Evilness de Bad (who shall henceforth be known as teLEdB, because I'm too lazy to type the whole thing over and over and over again!) laughed evilly, "I'm finally getting my revenge on that Cirrus guy for stealing my girlfriend back in preschool! I've never forgiven him! So now, I've evilly kidnapped his girlfriend in an evil manner! Nothing can stop me now!"

Sirea stared blankly at him as his speech went on. "What the he-"

"Silence!" teLEdB yelled, "Now, time for my Master Plan Part B! I'm going to find Cirrus, and steal all his bananas while he isn't looking! Then, I will rule the world!"

"You are absolutely censored insane!" Sirea yelled.

"I know!" teLEdB cackled, "It's one of the charms of an evil villain like me!"

Sirea rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

All of a sudden, our three heroes burst into the very, very pink room. Fooffie had both hands over Black Magia's eyes. "It _is_ pink, isn't it?" Black Magia yelled, "Fooffie, get off me!"

"No! Of course it's not pink! And I can't get off, because I don't know how to cast Darkness on you!"

"Omigosh!" Sirea yelled, "Random Hot Guy from the Beach, is that you?"

"Sure is! Do we make out now, or later?" Cirrus asked cheerfully.

"Grrr…" growled teLEdB, "You may have foiled this plot, but now I have a burning desire to rule everything! The universe shall be mine! Muahahah!" He disappeared in an explosion of pink smoke.

"Ugh…" Sirea said, "I guess now we'll have to stop him."

Fooffie sighed. "Let's get going…"

* * *

_Want to know what happens to Cirrus, Sirea, Black Magia, and Fooffie? To save the world, they'll need your help! So get out to your local video game store and buy a copy of Final Fantasy CCCLXXXVIII today!_


End file.
